dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
