If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
