All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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