Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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