i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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