You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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