when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
