This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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