He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
