I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
