FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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