too bad you live with your parents still
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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