Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
