3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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