2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
