I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
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