I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We left an ass print on the piano.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
