I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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