The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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