one two three fourrrrnication!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
