she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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