i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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