Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
