the condom got lost in my hair
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
