maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
