we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
