I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
