After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
