I will die if light touches me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
