speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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