I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
