Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
