you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
splinters make it hard to masturbate
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
