How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Alive.
So much puke
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
