Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
