You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Congratulations! We have a period
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