dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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