Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
