She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
