They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
