WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the day after is always just damage control
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
