Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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