Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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