how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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