Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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