Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
