I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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