you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
