New invention idea: vibrating tampons
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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