"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
