have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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