Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
