last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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